They hear the children in our responses
Parents who are trying to learn active listening, complaining of the great difficulties: come to mind are the usual answers-everything except the necessities. At one of the lessons a parent was asked to write how they would respond to a complaint daughter:
- Tanya no longer wants to be friends with me. Today she was playing and laughing with another girl, but to me they did not even look.
Here are the answers:
- And you try to go up to him first: maybe you will.
- Perhaps you yourself is somewhat to blame.
- Of course, very disappointing. But perhaps more interesting to Tanya with that girl. Better not to impose on her their friendship, and find yourself another girlfriend.
- Do you suggest to Tanya play with your new doll.
- I do not know what to do. Give them something.
Parents were surprised to learn that neither answer was not successful. In the past two decades, psychologists have done very important work: they identified the types of traditional parental sayings - these pomehna way of active listening child. They turned out to be twelve! Let us get acquainted with these types of automatic responses of parents, as well as those hours you can hear the children in our responses .
1. Orders, commands: "Now stop it!" "Remove," "I brought a bucket!!!" Fast in bed! "," To the more I did not hear it, "" Shut up! ".
In these categorical sentences the child hears the reluctance of parents to look into his problem and feels contempt for his independence. Such words evoke a sense of powerlessness, and even abandonment "in trouble". In response, children tend to resist, "burchat, resentful, stubborn.
2. Alerts, warnings and threats: "If you do not stop crying, I'll go," Look, as if not worse, "" Once again it again, and I'll take the belt, "" Do not come in time, blame yourself " . Threats are meaningless if the child is now an unpleasant experience. They only drive it into an even greater impasse. Threats and warnings are bad by the fact that the frequent repetition of the children get used to them and cease to respond to them. Then some parents move from words to action and quickly goes from weak to stronger penalties, and sometimes cruel: raskapriznichavshegosya kid "left" one on the street, the door is locked, an adult hand reaches for the belt.
3. Morality, morality, preaching: "You must behave as befits a", "Everyone must work," "You must respect the adults." Usually children of these phrases do not learn anything new. Nothing has changed from what they hear is a "one hundred and first time." They feel the pressure of external authority, and sometimes guilt, sometimes boring, and often all together. The fact that the morals and moral behavior in children brought up not so much words as the atmosphere in the house, through the imitation of the behavior of adults, especially parents. If the family all work, refrain from harsh words, do not lie, divide the homework - make sure the child knows how to correct behavior.
4. Tips, ready-made solutions: "Will you take it and say ..." Why do not you try ... "," In my opinion, you need to go and apologize, "I would give your place of delivery." As a rule, we do not skimp on such advice. Moreover, we consider it our duty to give to their children. Often cites the example of himself. "When I was your age ..." But children are not inclined to listen to our advice. And sometimes they are openly rebelling: "You think so, and I in another," You can easily say, "Without you, I know!". What is behind such negative reactions the child? The desire to be independent, make decisions for yourself.
5. Evidence, logical arguments, the notation, "lecture": "It is time to know that before a meal to wash your hands", "No end of distractions here and make mistakes," How many times have you said. Do not Listen - blame yourself. " And here the kids say "Leave me alone," "How much can you", "Enough!" At best, they cease to hear us, there is what psychologists call "semantic barrier", or "psychological deafness.
6. Criticism, reprimands, accusations: "What is it like," "Again, did everything wrong," "All because of you," "I should not have to didst trust you," You're always! "You're probably ready agree that there is no educational value of such phrases can not play. They make children or active defense, a reply attack, denial, anger, or sadness, depression, disappointment in themselves and in their relations with the parent. In this case, the child is formed by low self-esteem, he begins to think that it is indeed bad, spineless, hopeless, that he was a loser. A low self-esteem breeds new problems.
7. Pohvala.Posle all told, perhaps, surprising and strange to hear a recommendation not to praise the child. To understand the apparent contradiction, it is necessary to understand the subtle but important difference between praise and encouragement, and praise and praise odobreniem.V is always an element of evaluation of "Well done, well, you're a genius!", "You're the most beautiful (capable, intelligent) , "" You're so brave, you're at all uneasy. "
8. Name-calling, ridicule: "Cry-Baby shoe polish", "Do not be a noodle," "Well, just a blockhead," "What are you lazy!" All this - the best way to alienate the child and to "help" him to lose faith in yourself. Typically, in such cases, children are offended and defended: "A very kind?", "Let the noodles," "Well, I will like that!"
9. Speculate, interpret: "I know it's all due to the fact that you ..." "I suppose you had a fight again," I still see that you are deceiving me ... "One mother was fond of repeating to his son:" I can see right through you and even two meters below you! ", which invariably resulted in the teenager into a rage. And really, who the kids (and adults) like to be "calculated"? This could follow a defensive reaction, the desire to avoid contact.
10. Interrogation, investigation: "No, you're all still say," What, if anything did happen? I still know, "Why are you got the deuce?", "Why are you silent?". keep the conversation from the hard questioning. And it's better to try to replace the interrogative sentences in the affirmative. This is what we have already discussed in the previous lesson. Sometimes the difference between the question in the affirmative phrase may seem almost imperceptible. And for the child is going through, this difference is large, the question sounds like a cool curiosity affirmative phrase - like understanding and participation.
11. Sympathy in words, entreaties, exhortations. Of course, the child needs compassion. Nevertheless, there is a risk that the words "I understand you," I'll sympathize with "will sound too formal. Perhaps, instead, just keep quiet, keeping it to yourself. And in phrases like: "Calm down", "Never mind!", "Peremeletsya, flour would be" he could hear the disdain for his care, the denial or playing down his experiences.
12. Otshuchivanie, avoiding conversation. Acquainted with a long list of unsuccessful utterances, parents usually exclaim: "This is impossible, and you can not - what can?" And then there is a need to actively listen to their own already: Imagine that people have never seen a bike. And then they offer to the court just two designs - a three-wheeled and two-wheeled. What bike they choose? Of course, the tricycle. Why? Because he sat down on it, they will go immediately and easily, "naturally." The advantage of two-wheeled remain for them an enigma ... as long as they do not spend time and effort to master them. That's when they realize all the wonderful properties of the "inconvenient" bike.
I note that our customary treatment of a child with tips, edification and recriminations - it is not "natural", and also vyuchennyefrazy. But they are similar to inefficient driving the car the old design. Psychologists around the world have spent a lot of effort to improve this design and help parents learn to "ride" on "the best car." At the heart of the new communication skills that we are trying to master, are humanistic principles: respect for the individual child, the recognition of their rights to their own desires, feelings, and errors, and attention to his care, rejection of parental position "above". It is very important to learn to hear their own mistakes.
