Some parents believe that children are the stricter the better. Let's see if they are. Are the tactics of "tightening the screws" helps to achieve the discipline? In one experiment, older preschoolers demonstrate an expensive and very attractive robot with remote control. With this robot were not allowed to play, when the adult left the room. For one half of the children not to give a very strict and rigid manner, and accompanied by serious threats. For the other half of the children the ban was more lenient, though also quite specific.

Children in both groups comply with the requirements, and in the absence of an adult to the robot is not suitable.

A few weeks later the children were in the same game room. With them was a different teacher, and no reminders of the previous conditions was not given. Soon the teacher left the room: how kids now behave with respect to the robot? - That interest psychologists.

It turned out that 14 out of 18 children of the first group, where the ban was very strict, he immediately began playing with the robot. Conversely, 2 / 3 of children of the second group, where the ban was softer, the robot is still not fit. According to psychologists, children's behavior of the second group due to the fact that the decision not to touch the toy was their own conscious decision. External demand due to its adult tone interiorized in their internal rules of conduct. They continued to use children and the second visit.

The practical conclusion from this and many other similar studies: if we want to instill discipline the child, the only way to correct a child's upbringing - to leave him the opportunity for their own decisions about proper behavior, a "backlash" which will give him a feel proportion of independent solutions. Make it complicit in making the rules, get his inner consent to their execution. As for the tactics of "tightening the screws", it very often leads to opposite results: the children are rebelling, and the rules at the earliest opportunity violated.

Source of conflict - the struggle for self-affirmation

If the source of conflict - the struggle for self-assertion, it should be, on the contrary, to reduce their control over the affairs of the child. We have said many times how important it is for children to gain experience their own decisions and even failures. During the transition period to establish your relationship to refrain from such requirements, which, in your experience, it is not likely to perform. On the contrary, it helps that may be called the "method of adjustment: you can not bring an action to which he came, and negotiate with him about the details and modalities of its implementation.

But most of all to help get rid of the unnecessary pressure and the dictates of the understanding that the stubbornness and willfulness of the child - it's just annoying you a form pleading: "Allow me to finally live his mind." If you feel offended, then you need to ask ourselves: what made a child causing it to you? What a pain to himself? What are you offended or constantly insulting him? By understanding the cause, we must, of course, to try to resolve it. The most difficult situation - in a desperate parent and lose faith in their abilities teenager. Intelligent behavior of parents in this case - do not demand as "believe" behavior. It is necessary to "reset to zero" their expectations and claims. Sure your child that you can and what even very capable. But until you have it so what is there. Locate available to it the level of problems. This is your starting base from which you can begin to move forward. Organize joint activities with him, himself out of the impasse, he can not.

 Must not be allowed in his address to any criticism! Look for every opportunity to encourage him, notice of any, even the smallest success. Try hedging it, get rid of the big failures. Should talk with teachers and try to make them your allies in this. You will see: the very first successes inspire your child. In conclusion, a few additional comments. It is useless to expect that your efforts to bring peace and discipline in the family will lead to success on the first day. The path will be long and difficult, it requires much patience from you. You may have noticed: the main efforts should be directed to ensure that switch their negative emotions (irritation, anger, resentment, despair) on affirmative action. Yes, in some sense have to change yourself. But this - the only way to correct a child's upbringing .