How to listen to the child
Reasons for the difficulties of the child are often hidden in his feelings. Then the practical actions - show, to teach, to guide - it will not help. In such cases, the best ... listen to him. True, other than we're used to. Psychologists have found and are described in detail the way of "helping the hearing, otherwise it is called" active listening ". What does it mean - to actively listen to the child? Begin with the situation.
Mom is sitting on a park bench, her runs up her three year old in tears: "He took away my typewriter!". Son returned from school, in the hearts of throws on the floor portfolio to question the father replied: "That's all I will not go there!". My daughter is going to walk, my mother recalls that need to dress warmly, but naughty daughter: she refuses to wear "this ugly hat." In all cases where the child is upset, hurt, suffered a setback when he hurt, ashamed, scared, when he was treated rudely or unfairly, and even when he was very tired, the first thing to do - is to let him know that you know about his experience (or state), and "hear" it.
To do this, it is best to say what, in your impression, now feels the child. It is advisable to call "on behalf" is his feeling or experience. I will repeat what was said shorter. If your child has an emotional problem, it must actively listen. Actively listen to the child - it means "return" to him in conversation that he told you, while designating it a feeling. Let us return to our examples and choose a phrase in which a parent calls the child's feelings:
SON: He took away my typewriter!
MOM: You are very upset and angry at him.
SON: That's all I will not go there!
Dad: You do not want to go to school
DAUGHTER: I'm not going to wear that ugly hat!
MOM: You really do not like it.
Immediately noticed: most likely such responses will seem unusual or even unnatural. It is much easier and more usual would be to say:
- Well, nothing, to play and give ...
- How is it you do not go to school?
- Stop playing up quite a decent hat!
For all the apparent validity of these responses, they have one common drawback: leave a child alone with his perezhivaniem.Svoim advice or criticisms as to the parent-child reports that his experience does not matter, it is not taken into account. In contrast, responses in the way of active listening show that parents understand the internal situation of the child is ready to hear more about it, accept it.
Such a literal sympathy parent makes a child a very special experience (note that no less, sometimes much greater impact it has on most parents, as a little below). Many parents who first tried to calm "voice" the child's feelings, talk about the unexpected, sometimes miraculous results.
Not always, of course, the conflict is resolved so quickly. Sometimes the child, feeling the willingness of his father or mother to listen and understand, willingly continues to talk about what happened. Adults are only actively listen to him further. A few tips on how to listen to the child.
Firstly, if you want to listen to the child, be sure to turn to him litsom.Ochen is also important to him and your eyes are on the same urovne.Esli small child, sit down beside him, take him on your hands or knees, you can lightly pull the child to themselves, walk or move up his chair closer to him.
Do not communicate with the child in another room, his face turned to the stove or the sink with the dishes, watching TV, reading the newspaper, sitting, leaning back in his chair or lying on the couch. Your position in relation to it, and your posture - the first and strongest Signal how much you're willing to listen and hear. Be very attentive to these signals, which are good "read" a child of any age, even without realizing it consciously report that.
Secondly, if you talk to upset or distressed child, you should not ask him questions. It is desirable that your answers are heard in the affirmative. It would seem that the difference between affirmative and interrogative sentences is very low, sometimes it's just fine intonation, and reaction to them is very different. Often the question "What happened?" Distressed child responds, "Nothing!", And if you say "What has happened ...", then the child is easier to start talking about what happened.
Third, it is very important to talk to "keep a pause." After each of your replica is best to keep silent. Remember that this time belongs to your child, do not hammer him his thoughts and observations. Pause helps the child understand his experience and also better feel what you're next. Silence is good and when you answer a child - maybe he had something to add. Know that the child is not ready to hear your cue, you can by looking at them. If his eyes are not looking at you, and to the side, "inside" or far away, just keep quiet - it is now very important and necessary internal work. Fourth, in your reply as it is sometimes useful to repeat that, as you understood happened to the child, and then designate it a feeling.
Sometimes parents have a concern that the child will perceive the repetition of his words as peredraznivanie. This can be avoided if we use different words with the same meaning. For example, in our example, the word "hobnob" the father is replaced by "friends". Practice shows that if you even use the same phrases, but it accurately guess the experience of the child, it usually does not notice anything unusual, and the conversation is continuing successfully.
Of course, it may happen that the response you did not accurately guessed the event occurred or the child's feelings. Do not be embarrassed in the next sentence, he will correct you. Be attentive to his amendment, and show that you have accepted it. I want to again point out that the conversation in the way of active listening is very unusual for our culture, and it is not easy to master. However, this method quickly win your sympathy, once you see the results that it gives. Them at least tri.Oni can also serve as signs that you can properly listen to the child. Enumerate them.
1. Disappear or at least greatly diminished the negative experience of the child. It affects a remarkable pattern: split the joy is doubled, divided grief halved.
2.Rebenok, making sure that an adult willing to listen to him, begins to talk about themselves all the more: the subject of narration (the complaint) is changing, evolving. Sometimes in the same conversation suddenly unwound a tangle of problems and disappointments. How often do we leave the children alone with a load of different experiences of their resolute "Late," "It's time to sleep, while a few minutes hearings could truly comfort your baby before bedtime.
3. Child is progressing in solving their problems.
You met with three positive results that can be found (any one or all) if all goes well the child is active listening during conversation.
