One of the conditions of independence is the principle of "first and foremost take care of themselves." In life there are situations where for its own sake should certainly dismiss all the other issues aside, whether it is even a problem related to the family and work. In this case, there is another, equally important principle: " How much will you give - and get so much . " In a handful of nothing to put. How to combine these principles? Following the first, the patient after discharge from hospital does not have to help their loved ones in dealing with any of their problems. What you then can give away, following the second principle? Body? Physical health? But it you simply have no or so little that, he began to play, you will soon nadorvetes. So what to give and receive?

To answer this difficult question should first understand what is most needed addict and his family? Attention, trust and kindness. What you need to pay to get in exchange for trust? Get what you give: trust. But what does "I trust"? This means that I am doing my life transparent. I totally trust their parents - telling them where and with whom I went, and what will be there to do. Because then, in response, they can also give me confidence. "I trust" your child - I say that to me is good or bad, I honestly admit to him his mistakes and miscalculations. When broken relationships? If you violate the transparency of life. And when the broken transparency of life?

If you need love, you'll definitely get it, but only in exchange for love. And give love you just like that. Otherwise, you will not give away and sell. It should be presented free of charge, but more on that later. But why do need to pay to get? Imagine that you have on hand that is lying. You want to get something you need. Then we have to release a hand - give what you hold in your hand. When you get parents' attention? When you gave them his attention, his candor, his integrity. In the same way and with the support - what you give, then get it. Why not help some of the work in the psychological support group? They do not want to (not) anything to give. Just "hang out" (communicate, spend time nicely), and in response to receiving only crowd. If I give you anything, but frankly, and get anything other than aid. If I go there for support, then I have to give support.

Feel the difference

When it comes to commodity-money relations, everything is clear. I told you the money you give me - good. But we are talking about feelings, human relationships. Should he, on whom we spend the time, mental energy, love to pay us the same coin? Obviously not, otherwise there would be no such thing as unrequited love. And if we have helped someone, are we entitled to require him to pay later "debt"? Such assistance could hardly be called disinterested, and hence it is not aid but trade. Since, then, working principle of "what you give, you get"? I give freely and receive freely. But to whom I gave up even less than me, so he give me nothing can, so I did not get away from him.

Let go of your bread on the river, and he comes back to you with the oil. But where? We can not know it. And one more rule: the less you expect a response from those who are something to give, the faster you receive it. When it is easier to wait for a train? When you look at the clock every second, or when engaged in interesting conversation with a fellow traveler? "Well, when I finally feel a buzz from an independent life? Three days is walking free - and no buzz! "In this case, you, ladies and gentlemen good deal has already obtained. This is the desire to buy happiness, but not freedom: "I made a heroic act! Reliance, so gave me a reward, the pleasure of what I am good. And quickly, please. "

When bargaining is inappropriate

The level of openness depends on how comfortable you feel in any given situation. Naturally, if you have problems in relationships with parents, the very high level of distrust, and to be absolutely frank does not work. This openness is necessary to organize. How? Perhaps we should spend a few conversations with psychotherapists. Another option - ask for help from people soulfulness that you trust and can call his advisers. For chemically dependent helpful communication with mentors from Narcotics Anonymous, Alcoholics Anonymous.

Who are these advisers? More experienced people. Your relationship with them is based only on mutual support. Between you do not have no money, no reciprocal obligations. Another option: use of "arbitrators", a contract with the mutual rights and obligations. Remember that you received in return for ignoring the needs of parents who own lies, etc. And what you gave in response to rudeness? Remember and tell yourself: "I admit my powerlessness, because at that moment, when I still did not recognize the powerlessness that I could give these people? Fighting, aggression. Instead, I got the same thing. But now I found her weakness. What do I get in return? Humility, acceptance and understanding. " All the same great paradox of life: in order to win, you must give up the fight. It is very important to clearly articulate their objectives in dialogue with each person.

What makes "current" drug addict always be successful? Drugs? None. Clear sense of their own goals when dealing with each person. Objectives something different: with parents - a comfortable coexistence at home, with lohami "(people who can beg or steal the money) - to receive money from them on the dose, in communication with the police - not to have certain problems. For this reason the scheme of all successful people, whether they are successful depends, or in a free life. Only free people aware that by giving away get back the same. Want you to trust boss at work - trust him. Remember the case of a girl, when in response to its credibility and candor chief left it at work, although under the laws of common sense, it seemed simply impossible? Reservation: impossible in our society.

We still have a bias against people with problems, but in the West adopted a different approach. When a person gets a job, he must fill out a questionnaire. It has a graph of "relationship with alcohol and drugs." And if a man writes that he is an alcoholic, it may be more likely to hire than those who do not have. The fact that no "current" drug addict or alcoholic will never recognize it. And if the person admits it, he's on the road to recovery. Once again I want to repeat: we are something we get from people only when something is given away. In all other cases, an attempt to (use that term too) are freaky "dilute" (to cheat).

And one more point on which I wanted to stay. It is important not only to give the resulting (knowledge, skill, love). After all, if we just give up what you have received, we ourselves would be nothing left. We still have to multiply what you have received, and then to give, otherwise you will remain in the "minus", drain our resources, and this may lead to failure. That is the danger of failure and requires a constantly active efforts aimed at personal development, necessary for attaining health and freedom. Recovery - is riding a bicycle: you go until the pedal. Giving their energy to overcome the distance to the target. A small summary.

· Want to get attention - let her.

· Do you want to tell you about their troubles, - tell your.

· Want to not deceive you - be yourself impeccably honest.

· Give friendship instead of lecturing!