If a child makes you his behavior negative feelings, tell him about it. Feelings, especially if they are negative and strong, in no case should not keep to myself: do not silently endure insult, to suppress anger, to maintain a calm appearance with great excitement. Such efforts to deceive you no one will be able to: either myself or my child, who can easily "read" on your posture, gestures and intonation, facial expression and eyes that something is wrong. It is through these "nonverbal" signals transmitted over 90% of information about our internal state. And they are very difficult to control. After a while the feeling is usually "breaks" and translates into harsh words or actions. How do you say about your child's feelings so that it was not devastating for either him or for you?

When you talk about your child's feelings, saying first-person. Tell about yourself, about your experience, not about him, not his behavior.

1. I do not like it when children are upset, and mnestydno from the views of neighbors.

2. Mnetrudno going to work, when under the feet of someone crawling and stumbling yavse time.

3. Menyaochen tires loud music.

Note that all of these proposals include the personal pronouns I, me, me. Therefore, statements such psychologists called "I messages."

Who are some of the parents would say otherwise:

1. Now that you have a look?

2. Stop here to crawl tymne way.

3. Tyne could be quieter?

In such statements use the words you, you, you can call them messaging you "

At first glance, the difference between "I" and "You messages" small. Moreover, the latter more familiar and "comfortable." However, in response to their child offense, defend, answer back. Therefore, they should be avoided. After all, every "you message", in fact, contains an attack, an accusation or criticism of the child.

Recently I was present at the conversation eleven-year-girl with her mother. The girl was upset and thought of weeping, all his "wrongs".

"Do not think that I do not understand how when you are to me. I see it all! For example, today, when you came in and we twisted tape, instead of learning lessons, you're mad at me, though she said nothing. And I saw, I saw it, you can not deny it. I knew it from the way you looked at me, even as turned her head! "

Such a reaction of the girls was a direct consequence of the latent resentment of her mother. I thought: what is subtle and observant "psychologists" are our children, and what lessons are taught this girl is her mother (and me at the same time), breaking the ice cold unnecessary silence and giving vent to his feelings.

"I message" gives children the opportunity to get to know us, and parents. Often we are locked away from children armor "authority" who try to maintain at all costs. We wear the mask of "teacher" and fear it at least for an instant lift. Sometimes the children are amazed to learn that mom and dad can do something to feel. This makes them a lasting impression. The main thing - makes adult closer, more human.

 When we are open and frank in expressing their feelings, children are sincere in their expression. Children begin to feel: adults they trusted, and they too can rely on. Bring a letter of one mother who asked whether she had done.

 "We went with her husband when her son was six years old. Now he is eleven, and he became deeply and consciously, but more about yourself, miss my father. How it escaped him: "With my father I would go to the movies, and since you do not want to." Once, when his son said openly that he is bored and lonely, I said to him: "Yes, son, you are very sad, and sadly, probably because we have no pope. Yes, and I'm sad. Would you have a dad, my husband, we would live much more interesting. " Son of a burst: leaning against my shoulder, poured quiet bitter tears. Wept secretly, and myself. But we both felt better. I've been thinking about this day and somewhere deep down knew did right. Is not it? "

Mom intuitively find the right words, said the boy about his experience (active listening), and spoke about her ("I message"). And the fact that both felt better that the mother and son become closer to each other - the best proof of the effectiveness of these methods. Children very quickly learn from their parents style of communication. This also applies to "I messages."

In this way, parents are much easier to learn about the feelings and needs of the child. Finally, expressing his feelings without order or reprimand, we leave the children opportunity to make a decision. And then - surprise - they begin to consider our desires and experiences.

Teach a lesson once and for all

This story - literally mother's story of parental anger.

"It was a long time ago, my son was then six years old. I remember, was ill, lying in bed, and he asked to walk. In general, our yard is not very dangerous, to the fact that we do with it was firmly agreed: to walk only in the playground (we have two of them, with each side of the house). We agreed that he would return in less then asking for the time passers. The appointed hour passed, then another hour and another hour or so. I started terribly excited, finally jumped out of bed and ran to find him. Varies over all platforms, and other possible and impossible places - it was not there. Ran home: Do not come again, ran to look.

The main thing that has happened for the first time, he is in general that the boy was docile. When he finally found it, I was "stretched to the limit and decided to teach him a lesson" once and for all. " Coming home with him, I'm an ominous voice (inside of me all the trembling) said: "What have you done in any frame does not climb, and I shall punish you. Choose: or I'll withstood a belt or a week is not going to read a book at night! "Son of thought, asked:" And if the belt, the book will be? "" Will "- I said grimly. "Then you better strap!" - He said.

I told him to pull his pants, found in a closet belt. "How do I get?" - He asks. Then I like something was not himself (and began an awkward feeling when he was serious and thoughtful air chose the book). But the idea that we should bring punishment to the end, forced me to lash him with a belt several times. Immediately afterwards I felt very ashamed. It was a feeling that I humiliated a young person who, by the way, this story held more worthy than I am with her "anger". Yes, and whether the anger? First - the deadly unrest, and then, when he found he felt easier, and there was consideration: "must be punished!" If I told him right away, as nervous, I think he would understand things are not worse, and would not have this offensive, stupid case. I've never beat him no, but when she learned about the "I message", I realized how out of such provisions. " Learn how to send the "I message" is not easy, as well as actively listening to the child. Require training, and at first it will be difficult to avoid mistakes.