One of the main parameters of the relationship - it's mobility. Sooner or later, many relationships lose mobility and become static, frozen. This may be due to a number of individual reasons, but self hardening can be described as the end of the presentation of a partner and an interest in what happens with a partner, a friend of it, or a spouse. Consider the example of marital relations. In the first months of people relationship to each other only to impose the so-called front facade and are interested in, ie the information that, in their opinion, to produce safely. Criteria for such security: the "generally accepted", the absence of any "compromising material", from their point of view, that is extraordinary qualities of the person or party. Large differences, and more intimate details are kept as fear of rejection by their partner and fear of a backlash partner (condemnation, for example).

Marital relationships (and friendships, and parent-child, and many others) in a society implies certain traditional roles, beyond which the spouses are not at risk of leaving, fearing to lose the form of a "good husband". Thus, they impoverish their relationship by hiding from each other most of themselves. In addition to underprivileged each other with information, the couple still spend quite a lot of effort to keep its "front" to conceal its true face, it becomes very tedious for a short distance, when the couple see each other every day, and they prefer to move away than expend effort to maintain this facade. Thus, in the same house begin to live weary to pretend people do not know each other. It is not surprising that the marriage energy relationship fizzles. And naturally, they start looking for energy in the elsewhere. This other place can be anything: a child, the parent family, work, soccer, car, shopping, television, adultery.

In the society accepted that differences lead to conflicts, so decided to hide the differences and pretend that "we are very similar, we have a lot in common." However, the conflict actually happens only when the differences start to struggle. One has only to recognize the differences and take them for granted - disappear all occasions for conflict. The discrepancy between the basic needs of partners. It is important that such (basic needs), each of us three or four, and not every family or couple, they do not match, mismatch of basic needs - it is rather rare. However, the struggle between people occurs more often than not because of them, but because of those differences are not basic. And here it is very important to understand where there is a struggle for ideas, for example: "what should be the family (friendship group) and how they should behave spouses (partners, friends), and where - because of their basic needs. And if we can deal with the limiting ideas, between people begins with love and peace, and if you still talking about basic needs, and they are not radically converge, then we can say goodbye, grieve about it and let go of inappropriate relationships.

How to determine whether a need, due to which there is a dispute in a relationship, the one base? For this is simple test: it is impossible to compromise on this demand. Possibility or impossibility of compromise is determined experimentally. Partners compromises and waive such requirements, or try to meet it elsewhere to see what this turns out. For example, if you like a lot to communicate with friends, and your partner - no, you can check what would happen if:

-You refuse to meet with them in his house together with your partner;

-Do meet with friends less often, and not at home or with your partner;

-Your partner will spend more time without you;

-Your partner will occasionally meet with you and with your friends.

If you can meet the need for communication, not disturbing at the same partner, then everything is wonderful. Such needs, which we can make compromises, a thousand. Difficult, for example, with monogamy and polygamy. There are people who easily agree to a polygamous relationship and do not live tuzhat. Often occurs when one partner is a good look at polygamy, and the second one - badly. Another option, when your partner looks good only on their own polygamy. Check is a need for basic or "ideological", there is a huge risk: this is because each of them tries like him to be polygamous and how he, as a partner of polygamy! And then they discuss what is happening to them. If the family is in the process of experimentation does not fall apart, it will probably remain.

Well, the worst that can happen is when you pretend that you can compromise on, where in fact you can not. Then you dezinformiruete your partner, and he decides to live with you based on this misinformation. In such a situation, naturally, disappointed sooner or later inevitable. Another option: When you or your partner are too many of their needs considered basic. This is inadequate perception as a man as a social being, in order to get along with others, has far fewer unique needs than those that he can meet them in the company of any partner.

Sometimes we think that we very much want not to engage in conflict, not jealous, not to criticize. And yet we can be in many years of unsatisfactory relationships, which are accompanied by criticism, jealousy and grudges. Sometimes we think that to continue this relationship because we hope that our partner will change. At the same time, precisely when the partner is changing - becoming caring, calmer, he quits drinking - a relationship break up. This suggests that we need just such inharmonious relations. Often it turns out that, while the other partner had behaved badly, we have played an important role for itself, and he gave us that opportunity. He had only to change - and the need for this important role, no longer by itself, and we were out of work.

We only fall for the charges and criticism, when its interior agree with the prosecutor and critic, when they themselves accuse and criticize ourselves. If we consider ourselves, consciously or not, unworthy of a respectful, loving partner, if we consider ourselves to be unintelligent, unattractive, it is important for us to live up to the end of this state, to find finally a way to overcome it, to gain experience and enhance their ability to bring back their power.

Each symptom is concealed our force and potentially incorporated the ability to heal. About the fear they say: for it to disappear, pass it through to the end. The same is true for the relationship. We choose the "wrong" partner, "not those" friends, "not those" colleagues, precisely in order to pass through and reach the next level, play a role, be at the limit of forces, which will open a "second wind". But for that to happen, it is important to know exactly how we support the poor relations, why avoid taking responsibility for what they are going, and do not seek other ways out of conflict.

When we agree with the prosecution, two things happen:

1.We neutralize the position of the prosecutor, took him to the function itself. When we agree with the accusation, the accuser have nothing more to add, because its aim - to force us to accept the blame - has been achieved.

2.My take on more responsibility and cause, not consequence, we pass from the position of the child, who is accused in the position of an adult man who himself is the author of what is happening to him, and is responsible for this. Thereby, we increase confidence.

Often, the need for a relationship is quite different, our personal unmet need. Once a person learns to meet their personal, non-community needs, while improved, and his relationships with people. It is important to not "stuck" in the roles and identities, and to be able to give them up, take them or exchange them if necessary. We want to be good for other people, because we need to have good relations, acceptance of others is important for our survival. But it is necessary to understand how we want to be good for them. The conflict forces us to develop. Lack of conflict is fraught with so that we can never know whether all suitable to our partner and to continue to "represent" perfect relationship.