Constructive way of resolving conflicts between parents and children
I must say that this method is based on two communication skills: active listening and "I message". First, make sure you can successfully hear the child and inform him about his feelings in a simple, non-conflict situations, and only then move on to more complicated cases. The method itself involves several sequential steps or stages. First, we list them and then analyze each separately.
1. Clarification of the conflict.
2. Collect suggestions.
3. Evaluation of the proposals and choose the most appropriate.
4. Detailing solutions.
5. Implementation; check.
So the first step: to clarify the conflict. First, a parent hears a child. Clarifies what is his problem, namely: that he wants or does not want what he wants and it is important that he makes, etc. He does it in style, active listening, that is necessarily voiced a desire, need or problem child . Afterwards, he spoke of his desire, or problem, using a form of "I messages."
We use the example with a request to buy bread.
MOTHER: Helen, please, run for bread. Visitors now come, and I still have cases of throat!
DAUGHTER: Oh, Mom, I'm on the same section now!
MOM: You have a section and you will not be late (active listening).
DAUGHTER: Yeah, you know, we in fact begins with a workout, and it can not be missed.
MOM: You must not be late ... (active listening). And I have a dilemma ... The guests come here now, and there is no bread! ("I message.") How can we do? (Go to the second step.)
Once again, I note that it is necessary to start with listening to the child. Once he is satisfied that you can hear his problem, he was much more willing to hear and yours, as well as take part in the search for joint solutions to this and would be a constructive way to resolve conflicts between parents and children . Often, barely an adult begins to actively listen to the child, severity of the looming conflict subsides. What at first seemed "mere stubbornness," the parent is perceived as a problem that deserves attention. Then there is the willingness to meet the child.
Second step: gathering suggestions. This phase begins with the question: "How can we do?", "What are we to think?" Or: "How do we do?". After that, it is necessary to wait to enable the child pervomupredlozhit solution (or solutions), and then offer their own variants. In this case, no one, even the wrong from your point of view, the proposal is not rejected from their seats. First, the proposal simply typed "into the basket." If the proposals are many, they can be written on a sheet of paper.
Here is an example, one narrated by her mother.
Returning from work, she discovered from his twelve sons Petit, his friend, Misha: The boys did everything together lessons. They begged her mother to allow to see a very interesting TV show, which began at 11 o'clock. Misha's parents let him stay the night at a party. However, my mother was very tired and was going to go in 10 hours. TV stood in her room. Also, the guys in the morning to school, should not be so hard to break mode. What to do?
Mom decided to apply a constructive way of resolving conflict. Having listened carefully to children and sharing their fears, she asked, "How can we do?" The guys offered several options:
1. Ask the parents of Misha's permission to see the transfer from him.
2. View transfer together and then go home to Misha.
3. Mom and Petya to swap rooms, while children can, without disturbing it, watch the transfer.
4. Play together up to 11 hours and then go to bed, Michael is on a visit.
Offers mothers were as follows:
5. The guys play up to 10 hours and then all go to bed.
6. The boys go to sleep to Misha.
7. Everyone spends the night at his home.
8. The boys go to bed at 10 o'clock, but my mother allowed them to read.
It is worth noting that some of the suggestions guys (eg, second) from the outset might seem unsuitable mother, but she has resisted the temptation to just say so. When a collection of proposals is over, take the next step.
Third step: evaluate proposals and select the most appropriate.
At this stage, is a joint discussion on the proposals. "Parties" by this time already know each other's interests, and previous steps help create an atmosphere of mutual respect. In the example with the boys and mom took this step as follows:
1. Misha's parents were against it, and the proposal has ceased to exist by itself.
2. Will not do so as a mom is a loser.
3. Mom is not very convenient: it used to sleep in his place. In addition, she usually reads at night, and Petya's room is not a lamp, the light from the top of her head razbolitsya. Along the way Peter sees Misha that sitting late at the TV, "he again fell asleep."
4. Mom does not mind. Pete takes the idea: "Let's take with them into the room and the receiver designer. Misha: "Construct a garage and high-speed road. Headphones take? "
5. Not satisfied with the boys.
6. Mike calls his parents to consult, but his mother does not allow to go late.
7. Guys do not like: "We want to be together."
8. Guys: "You can, of course, but it would be better not to read, and play in Petya's room."
Ultimately, the proposal is selected 4.
If in choosing the best solution involves several people - as was the case - then the best is that which was adopted unanimously. Note that this was the first attempt to apply the mother constructive way of resolving conflicts, and she did it quite successfully. Some readers may not like the decision arrived at by all three: because it meant that the guys will fall later. But let's not judge the correctness of this decision: it is important that it seemed, and his mother, and the guys in that situation acceptable. For us, the more important to pay attention to the process that led to the decision to allocate to it a few positive points.
First, we see that each participant was heard. Secondly, each delving into a different position. Third, between "the parties" did not raise any irritation or resentment, in contrast, preserved the atmosphere of friendship. Fourth, the children had the opportunity to realize their true desires, for example, found that it is important not so much to watch TV, how to spend the evening together. Finally, the last thing: the guys got a great lesson in how to deal with "difficult" voprosy.Praktika parents shows that the repetition of such situations peaceful settlement of disputes is commonplace for children.
Fourth step: detailing the decision.
Suppose the family decided that his son was already great, and he must be alone to get up, have breakfast and go to school. This will release the mother from early trouble and give her the opportunity to sleep. However, one solution is small. We must teach the child to use an alarm clock, to show where some food is as warm breakfast, etc.
Fifth step: implementation of decisions, verification.
Consider this: the family decided to relieve my mother to share the household chores more evenly. Passed all stages, came to a definite decision. Its good to write on a piece of paper and hang on the wall. Suppose, for the eldest son occurred such duties: take out the garbage, wash dishes in the evenings, to buy bread and to give his younger brother in the garden. If the boy had not done all that regularly, then at first the possibility of falls.
Do not blame him for every failure. Better to wait a few days. At the opportune moment, when I have time with him and you and no one angry, ask: "How are you doing? It turns out there? ". Better if the failures say the child. Perhaps they will be too much. Then it is necessary to clarify what, in his opinion, the reason. Maybe that is not considered, or need some help from somebody else, or he would have preferred a different, more "responsible" request. In conclusion, I note that a constructive way to resolve conflicts between parents and children does not leave anyone with a sense of loss. On the contrary, he is looking for from the outset, and ultimately everyone benefits.
